About sex problems
Our most important sex organ is between our ears. If our head’s not in the right place, sex is not going to work. We may experience problems with sexual desire (“I’m not interested in sex anymore”) and performance (“Things don’t work like they should”). But the good news is that you can do something about it. Read more if you think you might have a problem with sex.
Do I have a problem with sex?
Sexual desire and performance are very sensitive to what else is happening in our lives – our sexual response is not just a machine to be switched on and off. If we’re worried or distracted, tired or stressed, depressed or angry, it will be very hard for us to have and enjoy our normal sex life. There is huge variation in what is “normal” in sex. There are no rules about how often you should have sex or how you should do it. So if you (and your partner) are happy with your sex life, you don’t have a problem. But if one or both of you is unhappy, dissatisfied or frustrated with your sex life, then it is a problem for you.
- The most common problem to affect both men and women is loss of sexual interest.
- The two most common problems for men are difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection (getting a “hard-on”) and premature ejaculation – climaxing and ejaculating too early.
- The most common problem for women is pain during intercourse (known as dyspareunia).
If you and/or your partner are experiencing these problems, particularly if they continue for a long time, then it is worth doing something about it.
Why do I have a sexual problem?
If you are worried or distracted, tired or stressed, depressed or angry, it will be very hard to have and enjoy sex. Pressure to “perform” – to be a great lover – can also create anxiety, making it difficult to become aroused. Psychological problems such as depression, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress are all likely to interfere with sexual desire and performance. Physical problems such as obesity and diabetes, as well as medications – especially those used to treat common psychological problems – can all reduce our sex drive and performance. The same is true when people drink too much alcohol. Losing interest in sex, or wanting to have sex but being unable to perform, can be very distressing. And it becomes a vicious cycle – when we have sexual difficulties, we worry about them and become distressed, which makes those problems even worse. If we could just laugh at it (especially with our partner), or forget about having to “perform”, many of these problems would go away.
What can I do about it?
If you think you might have a sexual problem and would like to try and get it under control, some of the strategies below might help. For some people, these strategies might be all that is needed. For others, they can be a useful addition to getting professional help.
Give yourself permission not to want sex all the time or to be the perfect lover
You are only human and you will have times of high sexual drive and times of low drive. Times when you can throw yourself into it and enjoy sex, and times when the equipment just doesn’t want to work. If you can shrug your shoulders and not get distressed by it, the problems will often pass.
Communicate with your partner
When sex is not going well, our first reaction is to avoid the issue – don’t talk about it and come to bed late so you don’t have to confront it. But you’re going to manage this one far better if you can discuss it openly. Often simply raising the issue is enough to take the pressure off. You may agree, for example, to forget about sex for the moment until other things are easier.
The more you understand about the human sexual response, and yours in particular, the better you will be able to address any problems. Lots of good information is available on reputable medical websites and there are plenty of good books around. See for example Sexual Health Australia or overcoming sexual problems by Vicki Ford (published in 2010 by Robinson Publishing).
Ban sex for a while
That might sound a little harsh, but putting a ban on intercourse for a few weeks is a great way to take the pressure off. It allows you to go back to basics and to focus on what really matters underneath – things like intimacy, communication, and sharing enjoyable activities. Take the time to have a romantic evening, share a bath or shower, give each other a massage, cuddle….. do them all over the few weeks without having any sex. Then you can start to gradually introduce sex – still banning intercourse – but moving the massage to genital areas and perhaps taking your partner to a climax. This whole process is known as sensate focus. There are many good descriptions on the internet (see for example sensate focus instructions ) and it is the basis of most sex therapy.
If your sexual problems are too severe or last too long, it’s a good idea to get some professional help – your local doctor is a great place to start. Yes, it’s embarrassing, but your doctor will have heard it many times before and the embarrassment quickly passes once you’ve plucked up the courage to mention it. Your doctor can screen for any physical causes and can provide advice on tips and methods to overcome the problem. If you need one, there are many competent and experienced sex therapists around, but it is always best to get a referral or recommendation from your general practitioner or a trusted friend.
- You can make healthy choices – eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising regularly are great for both your physical and mental health.